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I have to kill my cat tonight - Happy's Obsession
or what I do between bouts of Real Life
I have to kill my cat tonight
We came home from CA at 10:00 pm Sunday night.  The cats had a professional sitter who came in for 30-45 minutes a day, feeding them, cleaning their litter boxes, and playing with/petting them.  She had last seen them at just before 1 pm, and everything was fine.

Always, when we come in, curious Boyo is there, at the door, his little face pressed against the floor to look under the door, down the stairs, and see with one eye what's going on.  But he wasn't there.  Rosie was, on the kitchen table.  We put our stuff away, and then went looking for Bud.  We called, and called.  Nothing.  Where could he be?  OMG, did he somehow get out?  I started getting frantic, and dashed around the house, telling K to look under the kitchen sink (which is where Rosie hides when there are people over, or she feels bad).

Then I hear, "There you are!  What are you doing under there?  Come on out of there..." trailing off to "What's wrong?  Why are you all wet?"... then "Oh my God, somethings wrong with the cat!"

I went rushing into the kitchen, and saw Boyo hunched over crouched on the floor, his head turtled in between his shoulders, making this horrible gasping grunting sound.  I screamed to K, "Get the cat carrier!"  It get's a little fuzzy there, but I think K ran downstairs, leaving the door open (and Boyo always ran for that door if it didn't latch), and Boyo didn't move, just kept up that gasping, grunting, yowling sound.  He set the cage right in front of him, which would normally make him run, but he didn't move.  K put him in, and I rushed him to the Animal Emergency Clinic.

At first, they thought he might have choked on something, because his lungs were swollen with fluid.  Then they discovered that he had congestive heart failure, which makes no sense as he was jumping 5 feet in the air to his cat tree, racing through the house, and leaping onto the couch from several feet away just days before.  The pet sitter, who has been caring for him for the last 10 years, didn't notice anything different, and she's really good about that. 

Now his liver enzymes are going though the roof because he is a chubby cat who can't eat now, he's been in an oxygen cage the whole time (still gasping) and can't take more than a few minutes out of it, his kidneys are showing signs of dehydration, which is what the meds for his lungs do, but his lungs are no less congested.  The liver enzymes could be due to a blocked gall bladder, but he isn't stable enough for surgery, and that would only account for the liver findings anyway, not the heart, lungs, kidneys...

It's K's birthday, and he can't take Boyo dying on it. But he's just barely hanging on, only getting worse, and he seems like he's tired of fighting.  His little nictitating membranes are half way up over his eyes, he's panting all the time, he can't eat, or drink... and it's been 3 days.  I was hoping they'd find the cause of his sudden downward spiral, but they can't.  And now I have to put him to sleep.

I have to work tomorrow, leaving the house by no later than 7:45, as I have a student coming in to observe.  K wants me to go back tomorrow before work, but I know I'll be torn up about it, and if I'm all made up, I'll cry it all off.  Plus, I need time to decompress from it, before I have to face an over-booked day trying to explain things to a student.  

K wants me to go in before work to do it.  He can't handle it being on his birthday.  I told him in that there was no hope, but he just kept asking if I could do it before work tomorrow.  I think he's in denial.  He hasn't been able to handle it at all.  He can't even go see Boyo in the pet hospital, "can't bear to see him like that."  So I've been going alone, every night after work, waiting to see him, and talk to the doctor.  He wants to try to forget the cat problems tonight, just try to do "birthday things," like open the present I got him, and then give each other the presents we planned on doing Monday night for our belated Christmas.  So that's what I'm going to do for him, as another gift.  I will dry my tears, paste on a happy smile, and act like this isn't happening.

I'm not telling him now, but I'm going in at 12:30 am, so it's officially after his birthday, and do it.  Stacey, the pet sitter, has offered to go with me for emotional support, and I'm going to need it.  I can't make him suffer through until tomorrow night, as he's only worsening.  And it's not like I'll be able to get any good sleep, anyway.  If I go in late, late tonight, I can grieve through the night, then get up, wash my face, put on my warpaint, and try to face the day.

I just don't know how I'm going to be able to do it.  But I have to.
Precious Boyo, curled up against my foot

Rest in peace, my precious little boy.
12 Voices or Sing to Me
foundgale From: foundgale Date: December 31st, 2009 05:12 am (UTC) (Link)
Oh, how heartbreaking for you. Yes, you have to do it. It's so hard but he will be at peace and no longer in pain. He's a beautiful kitty, juet beautiful. My heart goes out to you both and to Boyo.
trintiff From: trintiff Date: December 31st, 2009 05:22 am (UTC) (Link)
My sincerest of condolences go out to you and your family. Please don't let anyone diminish your grief; let yourself go through all of the grieving stages
trintiff From: trintiff Date: December 31st, 2009 05:28 am (UTC) (Link)
... sorry, I wasn't quite finished with my post when I clicked post ... anyway, I just wanted to add that he is a beautiful cat and I'm sure you'll have many happy memories to recall later on.

I wish you good luck and joy in all you do! Hugs, Cindy
rae_1985 From: rae_1985 Date: December 31st, 2009 05:23 am (UTC) (Link)
I'm so sorry. I'll keep you in my thoughts. I wish there was more I could do.
aurora_84 From: aurora_84 Date: December 31st, 2009 05:24 am (UTC) (Link)
Oh God, how horrible. :(( :(( :((
puddles2 From: puddles2 Date: December 31st, 2009 06:39 am (UTC) (Link)
I know exactly what you're going through. I lost my 7 year old cat last month due to liver-digestive disease. She had been extra quiet and not getting off the couch for a while and I took her in but in spite of spending nearly a thousand dollars on medications, tests and treatments, she wouldn't eat and kept weakening until I got a call from the pet hospital that she was doing her best to die and I rushed in and had to let her go. I think they know when it's their time and the vet told me that cats do this thing where they put their best forward even when they are not feeling well and then when they simply can't do it any more their system gives up and they go downhill very fast. Our pets are like our children, only shorter and furrier and we grieve at their loss like losing a part of the family. I hope your good memories of your boy help you through.
mos_self From: mos_self Date: December 31st, 2009 07:10 am (UTC) (Link)
What you have to go through is the worst thing that can happen to a pet owner. My heart goes out to you and Boyo; it's an action and a decision that are so hard to go through.
::: big hugs :::
hsifeng From: hsifeng Date: December 31st, 2009 07:20 am (UTC) (Link)
I know this is hard, but it is the right thing for Boy-o. *HUGS*
chrismm From: chrismm Date: December 31st, 2009 07:47 am (UTC) (Link)
I'm so sorry--what a shock for you both. I went through a similar thing with my best girl Harley a few years ago. It's just brutal and sad, but it's the right thing to do. My thoughts are with you and your kitty and your Mister tonight.
shadownyc From: shadownyc Date: December 31st, 2009 12:17 pm (UTC) (Link)
*HUGS* I'm so sorry you have to go through this. We lost our Lucky last Spring so I understand how you feel.
beloved4always From: beloved4always Date: December 31st, 2009 01:41 pm (UTC) (Link)
oh honey, I'm so, so sorry *hugs you tight*
mellicat1963 From: mellicat1963 Date: December 31st, 2009 09:27 pm (UTC) (Link)
I'm so sorry to hear. It is so hard to say goodbye. My thoughts are with you.
12 Voices or Sing to Me